It started with a simple diet, watching what I was eating. I took out some carbohydrates, and started counting my calories.
I started because I wasn’t feeling so great inside, I noticed I had gained little weight.
As time went on because I was very depressed I started to realize I was still feeling very down, and I didn’t know why.
I tried a lot of therapy, but nothing really worked.
As I was feeling worse, I started to loose more of my appetite and a lot more of my feelings.
More time went on, I would restrict more food, not because I really felt it was going to help, but because I thought if I was thinner, I would have control over this one part of my life, and I would be happier.
Although my relationships were suffering with my family and my friends, I would always try and avoid eating which really hurt bad inside and out.
But I started noticing I couldn’t recognize myself or my personality. I felt I was watching myself from the outside,which felt so weird.
It got to point where me and mom, who where always best friends, had become complete strangers,which was so ruff because I loved her so much, I just had nothing in me to show it.
As time went on more food went out, this went on for while.
There was a slight points were I had couple of binges because I hadn’t eaten for so long. That would go on for a Couple hours, which sucked and felt terrible.
Then I was starting to get little better, I had coughed up the truth about having an eating disorder.
I thought I was getting better which wasn’t really true because I still felt really bad.
That’s when the exercise came into picture.
I thought to myself it helped me feel better before why not now.
But that was very false, because it went from one hour a day, every other day, to two hours, after awhile I slowly approached three hours a day, every day, and still I felt like crap.
I also looked horrible, I was pale, loosing hair, tired, grumpy, not getting enough back to my engine (aka my body) I was in full blown starvation mood.
After couple months of trying to trick everyone around me. I had felt more tired and looked worse and worse.
I felt worse on the outside and on the inside. I felt horrible all the time, I felt I had nothing to me.
I was seeing a counselor for around 6 months, but she wasn’t really helping me.
I now know the reason why it wasn’t helping, was because we focused on some on the actual issue instead of what was causing the issue, of my non eating in the first place.
My mom met, Melissa Cohen, and told her what was going on with me. Melissa said, she can help me.
My mom asked me if I would agree to see her, and be open to learning what she had to teach.
She told me she is not a therapist, or a counselor, she simply teaches this understanding called Innate Health. This understanding has helped many people overcome eating disorders. I agreed to go.
That’s when I first started learning Innate Health, with Melissa. The problem comes from the part of the body that you can also seek solution from which is your brain, or your thinking.
So yes maybe I thought eating was going to make me fat, or maybe I was just holding onto that thought, because it was the only thing I had control over in that time period.
It wasn’t real control it was me “thinking” I had control ,but like anything else our minds can be lovely but lethal.
I remember the first day I started learning with Melissa. I wasn’t so open to suggestions or seeing what I was doing was very unhealthy.
I knew I felt very alone and one one could understand me.
I “thought” that only someone that went through this, would ever be able to understand it fully, because it’s so beyond painful.
My stomach, my hands, even my feet, hurt so much, and then they go numb.
There’s no one to talk to, its just you and that scale. You “think” the number is so painful which it really isn’t.
The only time it has control over you, is when you let your unhealthy, unhappy thinking takes over.
I had to start learning to to trust my “helpful thinking”.
Weather I could see it or not I was causing real problems in my body all because I wanted to be thin.
I thought it was going to make me happy. But being thin doesn’t change anything, expect for the way you look,it doesn’t change the way you feel.
It becomes endless everyday your not happy, and every morning your running to check your weight.
At some point I had an insight, and I saw, from a place of truth and wisdom, (that can only come from within me) That it might be possible, to eat and maintain my weight.
I said to myself “why don’t I try to eat healthy see what happens”.
So I tried it, and to my surprise I was just fine.
I didn’t gain much weight, but I was eating and feeling stronger, healthier, and happier than ever.
After proving myself wrong, and seeing that I can be happy and healthy and be OK, I then had another insight, which said “what’s the point in feeling sick everyday”.
They say seeing and believing can change you,so can letting go of really unhelpful,destructive thinking, and letting in, helpful, productive thinking.
It’s not positive thinking, its just understanding, you are thinking in the first place.
Your brain is very powerful it can play devils advicit with you.
I can’t say that I don’t still have thoughts about food and gaining weight because it will probably always be a in a little part of my brain.
You can choose to focus on the better thoughts that are going to help you instead of hurting you.
Because once you help yourself g-d and everyone else around you helps.
I think it helps because you can go back to doing everything you love to do and and more.
I got all my confidence back. I feel like I am not hiding and lying to anyone around me anymore.
I began to feel like myself not this stranger.
I am definitely not saying it’s going to be easy, it’s one of toughest things ever. I battled with my entire family especially with my mom.
I lied about eating all the time when I was struggling for that year and a half.
Almost every day I struggle with some bad thoughts, but it’s a fight in your brain to pick the healthy thoughts verse the unhelpful thoughts.
As I began to listen to my better thoughts my life started to get better and fall into place. I feel like I was lost for so long. Learning Innate Health, helped me find myself again.
Don’t think your not going to struggle with those same thoughts, they will just become a lot less powerful, because you now have the ability to ignore those, and focus on better ones.
Your mind quiets downs so you don’t have to fight as much.
You begin to live again without any worries of hiding,or lying. You just focus on having fun and finding your way back, on your own track.
G-d helps all who help themselves,even if you think he is not there, he is always watching, giving us strength to take care of ourselves and those around us.
I am not going to say it’s easy because it’s not but it’s definitely worth it. I got my life, my family, my friends, and most importantly my Health back.